Massive Numbers Talk & Blogging Challenge Day 2

I blog today from the Starbucks that has brought about so much change to my work life.  It was here that sent my resume to who would eventually become my new principal, after finally deciding to go for it.  I have also come here to grade and generally get work done, when I need to leave my apartment.

I just got back from a Math Encounters talk at the Math Museum by Po-Shen Loh, and was thusly inspired and think I found a great first problem for my math team this year.  He was definitely my Math Encounters presenter I've seen.  His excitement is so pure and his "teaching style" motivating.  You can read more about a similar talk he gave here.  I left loving that the beauty of math is that there is always something more to explore.  Hopefully if I actually do keep up with this blog this school year, I can share some student work.

The other thing I wanted to post about today is day 2 of the blogging challenge:    

Day 2: Write about one piece of technology that you would like to try this year, and why.  You might also write about what you're hoping to see out of this edtech integration.

I am gonna cheat and share two pieces of technology that I would like to try out this year.  Both have to do with grading.  Since I am changing schools, I am losing access to the grading program we used last year, Mastery Connect.  Mastery Connect was nice because we could scan assessments easily and get data fast.  One of the pieces of technology that we might use to replace it is Zip Grade.  Another piece of technology is Jumpro.pe, to explore standards-based grading.  One of the first things shared with me about my new school was the assessment calendar, which has been helpful with planning and creating the assessments that I will be using next year.  Jumpro.pe especially will be my pet project because I have bee wanting to move to standards-based grading for a few years now, but haven't been able to fully make the jump. I hope that this year changes that.

Well, here I am again...

I started this blog last summer as a way for me to reflect on my school year and to (hopefully) become a better teacher.  Well, considering my last post is from November 2014, obviously I wasn't that successful with keeping with it.  But, the nice thing about teaching is that every year, we get a glorious and much deserved summer break, and then start fresh in September.  And this September will be even more of a fresh start because I will be working in a different school and district.  I'll be starting year nine next month, which I am still a little in shock of.

After five years at my last school, I decided, towards the end of last school year, that I needed a change.  I liked the people I was working with, but my teaching spark was dimming.  I was in a slump and I wasn't excited about what I was doing.  Looking back at some of my posts last summer, it seems like maybe this was something that started even before the first day in September.  So I applied to some other schools, just to see what would happen, and in June accepted a job for a local elementary school in my neighborhood, that was growing each year.  I was forcing myself into some new challenges: a new grade, new co-workers, a new building, and a new population of learners to explore math with.  It wasn't an easy decision to make, but looking back, I have no regrets, and I am excited for the year to come.

I found this blog post the other day, about a 30-day blogging challenge for teachers, which inspired me to give this whole blogging thing another shot.  So even though I am a few days behind, here it goes:

Day 1:

Write your goals for the school year.  Be as specific or abstract as you'd like to be!

Well, goal #1 would be to be able to look back at this school year in June, and feel that I have been successful.  What would that look & feel like?  My students have learned everything that they were supposed to this year, and perhaps a little bit more.  My classroom is a community where students aren't afraid to try new things and work together.  We had fun exploring the big ideas mathematics.  We students ask questions and want to learn more.  I want to look back on this year and see how much I've grown.

Goal #2 would be to continue to work on my work/life balance.  This may be hard considering I am teaching two grades next year (and have never taught 6th before), and because I will be in a new environment, resources may be limited, but nevertheless I think that this is something that I can continue to work toward.  I like my job, but I also value a life outside my job.  

I think that that is it for now, although I may add more as month goes on.  I really hope to keep this going this time...

The fear of teaching

Well, it happened.  I didn't want it to happen, but it did.  Here I am with my first post of the school year, and it is November 11th.  I am disappointed in myself because I truly wanted this to be a place where I could reflect on my experiences in the classroom this year on an ongoing basis, and for the first two months of the school year I have failed to do that.  I knew going into this that I would be busy, as teaching is much more than a 40-hour a week profession, but I am disappointed in myself for not making this a priority.  But, I don't think all is lost.  Taking a practice from my weekly meditation class, I am choosing to pause, relax, and open.  I am pausing and acknowledging the fact that I haven't updated like I wanted to, relaxing and forgiving myself so not keeping up, and opening up to the present moment and updating now.

So, how's the school year been going?  Ehhh.  It hasn't been going as well as I had hoped.

My students are definitely less mature than the past few years, which is not the end of the world because I have taught middle school for seven years now, so really nothing surprises me anymore, but I can definitely see that I have been spoiled the last two years.  I also made a choice this year to not use CMP3 as my primary curriculum, and that's probably been my biggest source of frustration, mainly because it's a choice I made out of fear of test scores.  The reality of my situation is that my kids have a test to take at the end of the year, and time to explore math in a meaningful way is not a luxury we have.  And I hate myself because I don't want to be that teacher at the end of the school year feeling like a failure because her kid's test scores were the lowest in the school.  I hate the fact that I am making classroom decisions out of fear.  I used the state curriculum, which is much more teacher-directed for my first unit and I was bored with my classes, so I can only imagine what my students thought.  We're not exploring.  My students aren't coming to the board to teach each other.  We're not coming up with our own notes.  It's just sad and I am unhappy.  Since finishing our first unit, I did make the decision to use CMP3 for our current unit on integers and rational numbers, so it has gotten better, but my classroom culture is still not where I want it to be, and that's disheartening.        

My ICT class is probably my biggest concern, for multiple reasons.  Like I said, student maturity is part of the reason, but also my co-teaching relationship is not functioning at 100% and it's challenging.  I don't want to go into more, out of respect for my colleagues, but it's a major concern of mine and I don't know how to improve the situation and I feel horrible because I know I am not functioning at my best and it's the students who suffer because of it.

That's the general background behind my school year so far.  Throughout the past two months, I did jot down ideas on my Reminders app of things I wanted to blog about on here, so I will share what I wrote...

• "I am confident that my scholars will grow, but I am terrified that I will try everything and it still won't be enough..."
  
• "All I see is algebra ahead of them and I feel a lot of pressure to be this bridge that they need, and it's overwhelming because I don't know if I can do it..."
  
• "I want to look back at this post in 10 months and remember this feeling of dread and be proud of my scholars and myself for exceeding expectations and proving myself wrong."
  
• "But what it I fall?  Oh, but my darling, what if you fly? - e.h.
  
• (After seeing on my Timehop app how excited I was teaching with Connected Math two years ago and deciding to teach my next unit this year with CMP3 again) "I feel like a rebel.  Like I have been told not to do this (by my old self) and I am saying "to hell with it" and it is exhilarating!  I am so excited to plan and teach this way again, at least for this unit, because I know, in my heart that this is what's best."  My response to that is, that yes, in my heart I know that this is how I should be teaching middle school math, but I am being torn because what does the data say?  I am being crippled this year by fear of my students not passing a test.  Where did this come from?!  It's not making me a better teacher.  If anything, this fear is killing my fun, exploratory, exciting teacher self.
  
• "A leader has to have a vision both inside the and outside the classroom... big picture."  I have been reflecting a lot about leadership this year and I really do not think that I am meant to be a leader because I cannot think outside my classroom.  This fear of low test scores proves that I am not a leader because if I was, I wouldn't care at all about stupid test scores at the end of the year, and teach the way that I know is best for my students as people.  I am a coward.
  
• "Classroom teaching is nobel... and I want to be the best."  This is another reason I don't think I am meant to be a leader.  I (or at least I did) honestly enjoy teaching in my classroom.  I had no desire to leave and manage people as an administrator.  This year I am finding myself more and more not enjoying the classroom (again, the fear) and as a result wanting to leave the classroom.  And I don't like that about myself.  Teaching used to be fun.  Hard work, but fun.  And this year, it's just not.  "I don't want to do all the "others" of teaching anymore... like lesson planning, grading... these are a part of teaching, so maybe I really just don't want to teach anymore?"  How sad is that?

So even though I didn't post on here, I have reflected on the year so far, and it's rough.  Please don't get me wrong, there are still pockets of good, like I hear my students talking and working through exploring a problem together, or when I get excited about something in class and then they get excited about it or vise versa, or when my first instinct after I watch a good math video or read an interesting math article, my first instinct is to share it when them (I emailed this article out to my kids this morning because I learned something new), or when I see them struggling to make sense of something and I can ask them questions and see their face light up when they "get it" all on their own - those moments are still there, but there are variables this year that are holding me back.  

I hate that I am letting fear (both my own and outside pressure) into my classroom.  I have one of the most important jobs in the world, and am letting it take over who I am.  I am a coward.

I want to change.